"He was my cousin. He was just seven years old when he moved to live with us. I can still remember how he was always alone sitting right before the window for hours… Without moving, waiting. He wanted to suffer alone, that’s what I think now. Every single time I wanted to talk to him, he just stayed where he was and if it was a really good day he would turn, see me for a single moment and return his head to the window, hopping for his parents to come and pick him.
What happened to his parents, you might be wondering. I actually am not sure myself. I was only six years old when the accident happened. The only thing that I’m sure of is that my aunt was in the hospital, sleeping, peacefully, without moving. My uncle disappeared, that’s for sure, though I really don’t know if he died, caused the accident or simply left. The only thing that I’m sure of is that they never came to pick him… To pick James.
After the first week I asked my mom what happened, James used to be very cheerful! We would go out and play after the rain, get into the mud. He wasn’t him anymore. Mom would only see me and tell me that my aunt Margaret was sleeping and that she might stay asleep for a very long time. Then I replied that she should awake when she gets hungry. That always happened to me when I was still a little child. After that she embraced with her arms me very tight and said almost crying ‘Not always my dear, not always’. At that time I didn’t really understand for I was six years old.
I remember that one day I was drawing something, I don’t remember exactly though, but after finishing I gave it to James… I thought that the drawing would help him somehow, but instead he got furious! He destroyed the drawing and throwed it at me. I simply wanted to say that to mom, but before leaving the room I turned my head and saw James on his knees… He was crying on silence all by himself picking up the remaining parts of that paper. I remained silent.
Five years later, on James’ birthday we took him to a restaurant that he choosed. He seemed more alive at that time. He had some friends in the neighbourhood. I can tell, because he usually dressed up on Fridays and went out for hours. He didn’t have any friends at school, so he surely had some near home. He had some troubles in school, but my parents wouldn’t scroll him. I thought that was strange, coz they are really strict with me. Anyhow, the day of his 12th birthday he didn’t invite anyone to the restaurant. It was only me, my parents and he. It wasn’t a fancy restaurant, but the food was great!
Maybe I should have thanked my aunt and uncle more than I did for all those years. After the restaurant they took me to see a film, but I didn’t really want to go… Cinemas always reminded me of my mother, for we would go at least once per week to see a movie together. The next day I did what I used to do on Fridays after school. I wear my jeans, a black shirt, boots and a jacket to go out. I passed walking at the very same place of the accident… Was it really an accident? I always thought that my father did it on purpose, for they had an argue the previews day. I think he intentionally crashed the car and ran away. For that very same reason I always went back… I wanted to see him, I wanted revenge on him, he should just die for what he did to my mother… For taking her away from me… On that very same day I swore to kill him if he ever appeared… Now it’s to late for taking back those words.
Two weeks after James’ birthday was my turn for the big party… Or so was supposed to be. That sunny day of March was my 11th birthday… We didn’t celebrate it. James’ mother died that very same day at 4:12 am. Why couldn’t she have picked up other day to die? And also, why was that so sad? I mean… She had been sleeping in the hospital almost for five years! Nothing was going to change… After that very same day I never liked her anymore. Mom was sad; Margaret was, after all, her sister. I can’t really say how James was at that moment. His face didn’t show any emotions. Anyway, instead of my big birthday party with all my friends in a fancy place I went with my family to the hospital and then to the cemetery. I don’t like cemeteries. They are not scary or anything like that, but silent and if I hate something the most, is silence. I even have to hear music while sleeping. I couldn’t understand James… And probably never will. How can anyone be there showing no emotions? I simply can’t understand that!
I have to admit… It was awful. I couldn’t show any emotions, not because I didn’t feel them, but rather because there were many at the same time. I was sad, because of my mother’s death, annoyed, since my little cousin couldn’t enjoy her birthday, pissed… Why do all this people care?! I mean, obviously aunt Tina would… They were siblings, but those so called “friends” of my mother? They were never by her side for these five years and all of a sudden they appear by the time she died… Bu the thing I wanted the most was to find that bastard and make him pay for everything.
A week later, James was gone… He just left without saying anything to anyone… He just wrote a letter… But I never read it… Why did he go? Could he have heard me saying that I hated his mother? I just felt very bad that day… So miserable… I wanted to know where he was… I found out sooner than I imagined.
I left my adopting family. I just took some clothes and left everything else behind including a card. That was for Sally, an apology for everything, her birthday party, for keeping secrets from her and… For tearing that drawing so many years ago.
I went to my old house to see it one last time before going to search for that man, but there was something wrong there. The front door wasn’t closed, one light was on and I also could hear some noise coming from the inside… It could only be one person… It had to be him… It had to be, there’s no one else!
I entered silently to that place with all the conviction and resolve I could have. The noise came from upstairs, so I climbed through the stairs. In front of me there was one single door, that door leaded to my mother’s bedroom and the noise, that stopped just one moment ago, was coming from there. It has to be him… I still was telling me that and for one single moment, before entering I felt a really strange sensation and hesitated… But I had to go in! I had to make him pay for everything! I had to face him… Why could I hesitate in a moment like that? I finally opened the last door.
I couldn’t believe it… I was just going to shout at him, when I felt a knife cutting through my torso… Tears started appearing from my eyeballs, I touched the stabbed place, saw my hand covered with that hot red liquid known as blood… My face turned to the one who did it… It wasn’t him. It was another person dressed from feet to head with black cloths, but I remember his big brown, intimidating eyes… Those weren’t his eyes… That person only said to me ‘Sorry kid, nothing personal’ and disappeared through the window.
Afterwards I turned my whole body, smiling, silently laughing like a crazy man… I could feel how the blood made a path sliding through my torso, waist and leg. I walked and felt from the stairs… My right leg was broken and my left wrist probably dislocated… Somehow I dragged myself to the living room and I saw it… It was still there… My last picture with mommy… I was happy. Now thanks to that person I could finally join her… I could finally see her again.
Yes. I don’t know why he went back to that old house, nor what happened there, but that sunny day on April, James, my cousin, was murdered."
